I haven't posted here for some time, and I was musing that my musings are really not very enlightening to other people unless they happen to be curious about the thing that's on my mind on a given day. Accordingly, I posted a request for requests on my facebook page, and got back a couple of responses.
The most honorable runner-up for today's exposition was Mr. Steve House, the only man I ever hugged who slapped a peppermint out of his own mouth. Steve asks:
Steve House If a woman weighs more than a duck, is she really a witch?
Steve, I'm glad you asked. This is a common misconception - weight actually has nothing to do with it. Women are witches because they are the pure form of the genome, lacking the chromosomal anomaly which causes the growth of a penis, which steals vital blood flow from the brain. Having all their blood flow available for their brains, and none of that pesky left-brain activity which is also typically associated with men, they are capable of using the full power of their emotive and intuitive endowment.
But the overachiever award for most divergent questions in a single post goes to Mr. Tom Clark, another old friend from college. Tom asks:
Tom Clark Hmm... a couple of obvious ones: Why do navels collect lint, i.e. why do they even have a hobby they didn't tell you about, and also: Why are kitten farts cute, but dog farts awful? Evidently, inquiring minds wish to know. Expound, profusely....
Well, Tom, I think I can help. Let me take these in order.
First: "Why do navels collect lint?"
Tom, have you ever had Mushroom Syndrome? Imagine being your navel - kept covered up most of the time with nothing to look at but the insides of comfy T's and Polo's or the undersides of bedsheets (except for the occasional fortuitous extreme closeups with his counterpart), let out for a daily watering and the rare glimpse of sunshine? Then there's the mirror, where he hears what a sexy bitch he is. While it might be true, if it were you, so constantly covered and kept in the dark, would you believe it?
You would not. You would feel shunned and lied to, and would find whatever meager hobby you could that didn't involve asking for any help or an allowance. I'd wager, if you were to check at the right time, you'd find he also collects sweat, though it's trickier to keep. And after all, quality sweat is hard to come by.
As for your second question: "Why are kitten farts cute, but dog farts awful?"
You may be surprised to hear this, but it's actually a well established survival trait.
This is elementary logic. We love our family, but we are rarely thrilled to hear the foghorn that warns of impending methane. Cute little love-me farts are not necessary for them, because we already intend to keep them.
Cat's, on the other hand, are the world's single most successful and prolific household vermin. They need that little oh-isn't-fluffy-adorable factor to keep themselves out of our stewpots. Consider this: would a mouse fart not also be cute? Yet we exterminate them, because they hide, and do not share their farts with us. Do you not think a rat fart might be endearing as well?
Cats, however, have over the millenia indoctrinated us to be the gleeful recipients of their anal disdain. How many times have you seen a cat, purring under the loving administrations of their hypothetical "owner", back their upturned asses into that doting dupe's face? "Oh, it's love," the humans exclaim, and the cat merely waves its smug little clay-clumped rump at us and struts away, secure in the knowledge that we are waiting for it to fart on us.
